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Sunday, November 26th 2000

So i've filled out yet another application for an apartment. i'm hoping this one will work out. it's a great not-so-little bachelor apartment in Parkdale, at the corner of King and Roncesvalles. it's got hardwood floors, a pedestal sink in the kitchen, and a fire escape. the fire escape can be taken straight out onto Queen Street, where the 24-hour streetcar stops - so it'll be nice for my late night adventures. a friend of mine and his roomate live in that building as well, so it has the potential to be like Pheobe dropping in on Chandler and Monica on a regular basis. but hopefully it won't be that annoying. i really want this apartment...

On Friday night i went out to see Vaginal Davis perform at the ElMocombo. it was...interesting. a big tall black guy in drag singing punk-rock kereoke. however you spell that word.

I'm at a loss for interesting things to talk about, so i leave you with this link:

Saturday, November 18th, 2000

so i've been pretty busy and haven't even touched my website in 2 months. so what. it's a positive thing when a person is too busy with their real life to bother updating webpages, etc. no, really. it is.

i've realised that my journal page is _far_ too long, so from now on only the latest entries will be displayed here. for those of you who really care (and those of you who _do_ are likely of the psycho-stalker variety) i'll be keeping all of the old entries on a separate archive page, which can be reached via a link at the bottom of this page. yay.

so i've started a new job. i'm now working full-time overnights for Fife House Foundation. i'm much happier than i was when i was working for that facist "christian" organization that i was working for until a month and a bit ago. much happier.

of course my new job means that i'll have to find an apartment downtown. when i was working in the suburbs, it was only sensible that i lived there. but now that my new job takes me to bigger and better places, my home life will have to move there too. the apartment search is hellish. i've looked at upwards of 20 apartments with a grand total of 0 luck. and it really does feel as though i've been looking at the same two apartments over and over and over again.

apartment one is insanely small, dirty, buggy, and has unexplained holes in the wall, and a really cranky slumlord.

apartment two is only slightly less small, dirty, and buggy, and has no unexplained holes in the wall, but the landlord is pure evil and will always rent to someone who works at a bank and is in their mid-30's.

it's more than a little frustrating. but i will find something. i will i will i will.

Tuesday, August 21st, 2000

i just got back from New York City.

2 girls, 1 boy. a hostel in a really smelly area of Brooklyn.

fell in love with the city. for the first time i have found a city that i love as much as Toronto. loved the east village. loved the subway system. loved how it's so much easier to come across good comic and anime stores than it is in toronto.
hated the fact that EVERY street-dog vendor i came across was confused when i asked if they had any veggie-dogs.
laughed when some Tex-Mex restaurant on Bleeker St. charged Katia and Mike $4 each for a coke. was relieved that i got water instead.
went to CBGB's. saw some whiney chick-band. had a good time anyways. was thrilled to be inside the legacy that is CBGB's.
had lengthy conversations with many nyc locals - mostly homeless women. enjoyed that. learned lots about life, myself, and other people.

saw the inside of the most beautiful church i'd ever seen. was almost unable to stand.
saw Miss Saigon. wept like the infant i am.
became terrified halfway up the stairs at the Statue of Liberty. shook and could hardly stand. walked back down the stairs with my eyes closed.

was sad to leave.

but am also thrilled to be home.

the quotes -

"finally someone who looks normal! i'm so sick of our Tourists always having lime green socks and 'I love New York" tshirts. are you sure you don't really live here?"
- said to me by Tim, a tour-bus driver

"Brandy, people keep staring at you. i think it's your hair"
- Katia
"Damn tourists"
- Me

"you have this really fascinating way of tearing people to bits by complimenting them"
- Mike

"When you realise what you want and who you want to be you have to take hold of that before it's too late. never settle for what you think is second best because what you want seems so far away. often what you do want is so powerful that second best doesn't exist"
- Carol, an aged x-model i met at the John Lennon memorial

"it's a conspiracy. a horrible conspiracy. the american goverment genetically destroyed the hind-legs of German Shephards so we'd have to spend more money on vet bills. the dogs in Europe don't have this problem"
- a homeless woman and dog owner i met in a bathroom at Central park

that's about it....

Wednesday, June 21st, 2000

In keeping with the theme of woe-is-me-love-stuff, for your reading pleasure i'm adding the lyrics to my favorite Beatles song.

The Beatles - For No One

the day breaks your mind aches
you find that all their words of kindness linger on
when she no longer needs you

she wakes up she makes up
she takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry
she no longer needs you

and in her eyes you see nothing no sign of love behind the tears
cry for no one
a love that should have lasted years

you want her you need her
and yet you don't believe her when she says her love is dead
you think she needs you

and in her eyes you see nothing no sign of love behind the tears
cry for no one
a love that should have lasted years

you stay home she goes out
she says that long ago she knew someone but now she's gone
she doesn't need him

the day breaks your mind aches
there will be times when all the things she said will fill your head
you won't forget her

and in her eyes you see nothing no sign of love behind the tears
cry for no one
a love that should have lasted years

Friday, June 16th, 2000

Going through some of my old stuff i found a _really_ bad poem i wrote a very long time ago about a boy i thought i loved. in retrospect i realise it was just a crush. and we _all_ know that crushes = misplaced affection.

Don't ask why i'm bothering to post it. i just am.

we met. i adored you
i thought of few things else but you
i pranced about, i writhed at your feet
i gave you every moment of my day without you even being in it
i called your name in my sleep, and whispered it in my waking
i did all but tell you the truest thing i knew

Wednesday, June 07th, 2000

My 23rd Birthday ended exactly 2 hours and 26 minutes ago.

i spent the bulk of my day drinking Green Tea and chainsmoking while wearing a Tiara.
what a sad way to spend the day.

There is a Blink 182 song that says "no one likes you when you're 23". Who would ever have thought that anything that resembles truth would come out of top-40 CFNY Alterna-crap.

On my way out to the Drum tonight i stopped at the 7-11 to buy a back of smokes. I didn't get ID'd, as usual. This generally isn't much of a drama for me, for today it was crisis. I asked "what, don't you want to see my ID?" and "it says you ID under 25 - do i look over 25 to you?"

i'm 23 and i'm acting like i'm having a mid-life crisis. Does this mean i'll die at 46?

i'm drunk and feeling melodramatic - i suppose now is a very good time to go to bed....

Sunday, May 28th, 2000

Today i was in a telephone booth on Parliament Street (in front of a Convenience store where i paid the lowest price ever for a pack of cigarettes - $4.00!) On top of the phone book was a crumbled up ball of lined paper.
A note.

Being a person of overwhelming curiosity i snatched it and put it in my bag, to read on the steps of the shop, smoking my cheaply bought Menthols.

It said this:

"Hello and Goodnight,
My Husband and Love,

Edward I will always love you, no matter what. I have made a vow to you and our Shanice and our Baby.

Edward don't think that I'm pushing you, but i want to be married to you. But when you are ready and everything is steady between us. I love you from your head right down to your toes. To wait - you're worth it.

Understand we are having a hard time, but we will get through it I promise.

I love you and Goodnight my Sweetheart. Pray for us. Believe in God and He will believe in Us.

Kisses and More...
Lovers in Love."

It made me totally sad to find this personal note crumpled up in a public phone booth like this. It made me wonder how and why it got there. I wonder if after reading this note he telephoned her. And if the conversation went poorly. I wonder if in anger...frustration...hurt...he crumpled up the note and left it there in the booth after slamming down the reciever.

I think i wonder too much.

Once when walking South on Brock Street in Whitby i saw some red roses sticking bloom out of a trash can....

Wednesday, May 17th, 2000

Spending a chunk of my late evening talking with a friend inspired me to write a manifesto of sorts. i guess in a sort of combined effort to put a chunk of me in writing for people to read and understand, and also as a constant reminder to myself of the person i am, and the person that i need to continue to be.

I am entirely alive.
I am a person who doesn't crave "things", but rather experience. Cd's scratch. Cars break down. Clothes tear. Movies get boring. Experience is eternal.
I desire to be a person who can put her life on her back and move on. A person who will not be tied down to a 9-5 job, a mortage, an expectation. A person who is continually learning, growing, experiencing, meeting, traveling, seeing, hearing, touching, and loving. A person who is truly "rich" in a way that people with lots of physical wealth can never be or understand.
I am not now, nor will i ever be a person who is strapped to a desk, working to make a living, lacking a life. These people are already dead.
I will love, regardless of wether it's returned, regardless of wether it hurts, regardless of what it may cost me. I will continue to live, even though it's often frightening, even though it's often hard, even though it's often expensive.
I will shine - not live in the shadow. I will hold my head high - not be ashamed. I will embrace - not push away. I will give - not withhold.
I will live a life of emotional and spiritual richness, even when it means living in physical poverty.
I am entirely alive.

Saturday, May 06th, 2000

It's exactly one month until my 23rd Birthday. And i have exactly no idea what i'm doing with my life. i'm stuck in a job that i don't exactly love, but i'm afraid to leave it because it's a full-time job that gives me medical benefits and some pretty nice resume experience. i swear the only reason jobs offer benefits to their employee's is to trap them.
I've resolved to (finally) go back to college and finish the program that i should have finished 2 years ago. Even though the idea of going back to a classroom makes me ill. Even though i'm not sure i'm even still interested in working in the field that i was studying.

Other options? None.

My Birthday Wish List

New shoes. i've been living in the same Airwalks since i was 17. i think it's time.

A bike rack that mounts on the trunk of my car

Apoptygma Berzerk - Welcome to Earth

a new CD player. the one i had was rescued from the garbage in order for me to obtain it. the protocol for getting a CD to play is as follows: Hit Play. Skip Forward To The Next Song. Skip Back. Hit the CD Player. Press Pause. Unpause. Press Play. Skip Forward To The Next Song. Swear. Repeat Until You Get Results.

a new kettle. the one i have now is suffering from lime build-up or something. very gross.

the assurance that the people i hang out are really my friends. this is the sort of thing that people should get around the age of 18 - i'm still waiting for mine.

that about covers it, i guess.

Wednesday, April 26th, 2000

a scrawled conversation on a torn-up pack of Export'A' cigarettes between a slightly buzzed me, and a very drunken Chris. It's strange how beer makes a person feel way more profound than they actually are. The sober reality is that we're really just a couple of averages kats drinking and waxing philosophical. sheesh.

Chris in italics, myself in non-italics. (is there a word for non-italics??)

? Why do we live ?

to find out why we do.

? How do we find this ?

by living.

? So how one lives is why we live ?

yes? we live to experience life. or something.

? What makes true experience ?

experience is "real" because it is ours.

? What makes it "real" ?

Because we personally experience it. it's our reality if we live it.

? Then who are we who live ?

we find _that_ out by living.

? Who gives us the right to live as we wish ?

we do.

A++ Good Job Brandy! That's what I wanted to hear!